So your flight's gonna be tomorrow. I dont know if we're able to visit you there, but for sure this Raya wont gonna be the same hahah. Mama asked me if I text you on anything before you go, well I was planning to but I was just running out of words. hmm kinda took almost 30min for few sentences text for you, you know? Kinda got me asking "why is it so hard to talk to you?".
I cant really tell if we really got along before, have we? yeah maybe.
Honestly, deep down, i just wanna ask you what made you change so much? I know you changed for good but why? I know youre trying to do the right thing but lately, why do i feel like things are falling apart? Sometimes youre just too much to handle and it scares me, yeah and sometimes gets on my nerves. Its like youre pushing things the opposite way. Have you ever had the thought of how it effect me? Yet youre pointing fingers away to blame. Look, Im tired of getting pushed around, I dont even want anything from you. All i was hoping for was having a brother that is there for me, but guess youre just one of those people whos.. whos pointing the gun at me. But why does it have to be you brother?
Im sorry for disappointing you, for not being as what you expect me to be. And whenever you bring up something, i refused to talk about it and tried to avoid them cause i dont wanna argue with you. Im trying to make things up for you, so why cant you do the same for me? Im writing it up here instead of coming up to you to say it cause i find it so hard to talk to you. We never really have a deep convo, not just that, we rarely have any convo. and i cant remember when was the last time you were happy for me.
Im actually up for this battle, i dont mind facing this the hard way or any way. But one thing im asking for, please dont bring this up infront of our mother. That time we fought, i cant stand watching her cry so much because of us. I just dont want her to blame herself on this, I dont want her to have the thought that she fail to raise us well. Just dont. You might not forgive me for what i did or for not listening to you, but i really really wanna know if you did mean what you said to me that night, "i dont trust you anymore", eventho i was putting on my best poker face when you said that right to my face, those 5 words still echoes around me. I dont get it, why do we have to be like this? what? God has a better plan? How can i think positive for this when everything is negative? Are you waiting for me to breakdown infront of you so that you finally know? Do you really want me to cry for you? Not sure if ive written down enough here. Goodluck for what youre going.
I dont really miss you now but i might miss you later. I dont know but if you think that changing the way as you are right now gonna make everything better, if thats what you think then why am i missing the old you?
family,
X
